Good Morning Vietnam!

Among all of these Asian Tigers, there is a Junkyard Dog. Mangey, mean, bloodied, showing the scars of recent tussles, and fiercely possessive of its territory, the Junkyard Dog is also a resourceful, tough and suspicuous animal. The name of that Junkyard Dog is Vietnam.

With winter still hanging on in Tokyo, we departed February 22 for 8 days in Ho Chi Minh City, (the former Siagon). It was supposed to relatively cheap, and to also offer warm weather. As one who grew up with reports of the Vietnam War heading the newscasts, I was also more than a little curious to see what had become of this country in the 30 years since the end of the war. As Jay neatly put it: 'Vietnam is where the major world forces meet - Buddahism, Communism and Botulism!'

On the ride in from the airporthere 3 immediate impressions of Vietnam were made . First of all, the whole place moves on motorcycles!! There are 8 million people in Ho Chi Minh City, and there are 3 million motorcycles. They swarm everywhere, like packs of flies except for the snarl of their motors and the continual churping of their horns. Before the war there were no cars; only motobikes and bicycles. Now there are no bicycles, only a handful of cars, and motorbikes everywhere! But, then again, why not? A brand new Chinese motorbike can be had for $400.

The second impression was, there are NO RULES OF THE ROAD! We were coming in from the airport around midnight, granted. But nobody stopped for red lights, people drove the wrong way on the street, and the whole time I was there I never once saw any bike rider ever signal either a turn or a stop. As for pedestrians; forget it - the law of the jungle prevailed and Might was Right out on the road. To turn, our taxi simply cut into a lane of motorbikes and forced them to swerve to avoid a head-on collision. Coming to an intersection only meant that one slowed, and cut through the crossing traffic no matter what colour the light was. It turns out that this flouting of traffic laws came after the Unification, when great numbers of cheap Russian motorcycles flooded the market. It seems that they had no clutches, so to come to a full stop meant that one would stall and then had to restart the motor. The easy answer? Don't stop, no matter what! It was complete chaos to the newcomer's eye; only later was I to learn that there are Rules of the the Road - just not what we have here.

The third thing that struck me about Vietnam is that there are an awful lot of zeros on their bills. A $20,000-Dong bill is actually about $7 CDN. Sticker prices of $300,000 - $1,000,000 seem high, until you get used to the conversion. But, all the same, you carry around an incredible pile of paper and coin all the time, and spend a good part of each day counting it out or counting your change. A few locals take advantage of an unwary tourist by slipping in (or out) a couple of zeros at any given time. Inflation has run its course in the years since the Unification, but it seems that the proud Communist Government is unable to swallow its pride and devalue its currency.

However, our hotel was excellent; right downtown and on the edge of the Siagon River. It was a five-star hotel, and for $130 per night (double occupancy) you got a/c, a King Size Bed, cable, a free Happy Hour from 5:30 - 7:30, a breakfast, and full use of the pool and other facilities. In fact, the snacks served at the Happy Hour were so good, you could skp supper, if you were so inclined. Left: downtown Ho Chi Minh City as seen from the top of our hotel.

The next day we were off exploring, but immediately were faced with a horde of panhandlers, people wanting you to take their taxi or pedi-cab, people flogging CDs, postcards, maps, phrase books, or lord knows what else. This was quite a shock from Japan, where I had never been panhandled in my entire time there! You have to learn to avoid eye-contact and ignore all the questions, comments and pleas, otherwise you will go crazy every time you step out onto the sidewalk.

Things are, indeed, cheap here. A beer will sell for $1; a bottle of rum is $1.20 and it is about $1.60 for the really good stuff. A fancy meal for four in a Thai Restaurant with linen napkins, live entertainment and a bottle of expensive Bourdeaux wine was $51. Most taxi rides in the city are less than $2. The area has excellent lacquer-ware, and many shops featuring local wares for very good prices, although you have to bargain the merchants for a good price. Knock-off DVD moves of virtually any title you can name are $1. An apartment in town goes for a little as $12,500. Unfortunately, you can't drink the water, the streets are rough and the sidewalks are a hazard just to walk on. There is no mass transportation other than the occasional bus.

The heat here is really intense; a shock after lounging in near-zero temperatures in Tokyo. Sunblock is a must, and the place really only comes alive after dark. Then, people will sit out on the sidewalks and cafes, and the whole place takes on a completely different air. Oddly, there are almost no bridges to connect downtown with the outlying regions. Just below our window three ferries frantically scurry back and forth across the Siagon River to dump the packs of snarling motorbikes into the streets as people rush to and from work.

Speaking of motorbikes, after a few days in town I was to discern that there are, in fact, certain Rules of the Road - Vietnamese-Style. Here are my self-discovered Top 15 Rules To (Hopefully) Live By When Driving A Motorbike In Ho Chi Minh City:

• traffic lights will be obeyed to some degree during the day, especially when a cop is standing on the sidewalk observing, and directing traffic with a club. However, if the way is mainly 'clear' the scooters will roar right through a red light. Only at night does the system fail completely;
• except for the police and tourists, nobody wears a motorcycle helmet;
• Might makes Right; the biggest truck, car or the biggest pack of motobikes takes the Right-of-Way;
• if you are going the wrong way on the street, (not at all uncommon), jam your thumb on the horn and keep going like crazy;
• green hats (motorcycle taxi's) have the right-of-way among bikes, and the green hats with plastic sandals have the Right-of-Way over the other green hats (I have no idea who these people are or why this is the rule);
• in intersections, the first to the horn has the presumed Right-of-Way unless 'aced' by one of the categories above;
• Round-Abouts, (Traffic Circles) are really only an excuse to drive even more erratically, so if you can't figure out the 'system' that's because there isn't one;
• when passing a bike with a female rider on back who has their arms aroud the waist of a male driver, a wide berth must be given since these cycles swerve unexpectedly at times;
• it is possible to get as many as five riders onto a single bike, although only two are legal. Likewise, it is possible to carry an entire wardrobe, computer station, restaurant, and even large pieces of furniture on a motorbike;
• Never signal your intentions on a motobike. The distraction you cause by people trying to figure out what you are doing with your hands is liable to create the Mother Of All Pile-Ups!;
• when carrying a large fish on a pole slung between two motorbikes, in addition to jamming down the horn, it is considered good form to also frantically wave both arms to warn oncoming traffic of the hazard. Of course, with no hands on the wheel, and nobody hanging onto the fish, this, too, creates an additional hazard;
• you get to light up a new cigarette every time you get stopped at a traffic jam; when crusing down the road with a fag in you mouth, it burns really fast!
• Just because 4 scooters driving abreast are headed straight at you doesn't necessarily mean that you are the one going the Wrong way on a One-Way Street! However, it NEVER pays to be Dead Right!;
• If you can't think of anything else to do, or if you are just bored sitting in the crowd, jam on the horn and gun it! The others will follow!;
• there are 8 million motorbikes in all of Vietnam, and yet only 3 million driver's licences for them have been issued! What makes you think that the guy in front of you has any idea what he is doing, either?

And what of the society after the Unification? It became a Communist State. Every child became entitled to a free education. Health Care became a possibility. Pensions for those unable to work or over 55 came into being. Yet, the State-run economy has lagged behind the others; only now is the government trying to turn this around. It has reserved land just on the other side of the Siagon River to turn into a financial centre like Shanghai. As it has turned out, the answer in today's society is neither pure Capitalism nor Communism; it is a blend of the two. The degree to which the State is able to balance these two economic systems will dictate the success of the undertaking. To my mind, Vietnam is uniquely poised to make a huge economic surge when it appears on the world stage. I can think of no better place to get in on the ground floor of what is very likely to be another surging economic area as Vietnam develops its electronics and manufacturing sectors to compete in the global economy.

Sited Along The Way:

• Some of the local wine on sale in the market. If you look closely at it you will note that each bottle contains a complete Scorpion and a Cobra head. Trust me; this wine bites!

• Now this is a Drive-In (I). A Vietnamese knock-off of a fast-food burger joint. You just wheel in the bike, park 2 feet from the till, and grab your goodies! With the exception of KFC, (Col. Saunders looks like Chairman Ho Chi Min anyway), there is not a single fast-food chain in town - No MacDonalds, No Wendy's, not even the dreaded Starbucks!

• Now This Was A Drive-In. Can you recognize this building? We came across it on the banks of the Siagon River. It is an old MacDonals, built circa 1962 - before the chain became 'internationalized'. It must have been quite the place in the mid-60s, with hungry GIs muching down burgers on the banks of the river.

• A sidewalk motorbike overhaul centre. Just drop your tools and you are in business! The crowd at the back is watching the mechanic pull the entire cylinder from a moped.

Now this is a drive-in (II). The lady at the right has hot soup for sale. Anyone strolling by plunks down a few cents and chows down a bowl right in the steet, as the girl in background is doing. However, many communiters also roll up on their scooters to pick up a bowl for the drive home. Is it just me, or does eating hot soup on a motorcycle in Rush Hour seem like not a good idea?

Doug-San (not in Japan)

Saying Sayonara for now!